The Hunger Games: TV Comedy
by Crackpot Jones
Summary: This is what happens when the televised Games of the deadly Hunger Games stoop down to today's level of reality TV... Enjoy the show.
1. Chapter 1

a/n: This is what happens when I get bored. I really should be writing my SYOT but I just needed a break, and this is the result. A cracked up version of the 74th Hunger Games.

Disclaimer: I don't own the hunger games, just the crazy plot.

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><p>3…2…1…<p>

**DONG!**

"Oh that's like so totally hurting my ears!" Glimmer says she walks to the cornucopia. Actually, strut would be a better word.

"I know right! Why do them Capitol people do that every time? Can't they use some cool hip music or something?" Cato huddles closely to Glimmer.

"Hey, hey. You're my boy Cat," Clove stares ferociously at Cato and he gives her a fake look of shock.

"Oh I'm soooooo sorry, Garlic," Sarcasm seeps through his voice.

"Oh you did not just call me that, you little son-of-a-bleep. Mama's name is Clove! C-L-O-V-E, got it?" Clove grabs Cato's shirt and pulls him off the ground with brute force.

"Uncle! Uncle!" Cato whelps in fear. Having a tough girlfriend is very risky.

By this time, Glimmer and Marvel and the nameless tributes of District 4 are already at the cornucopia gathering up their supplies along with the rest of the tributes. Marvel, who is standing right beside the boy from 5, picks up a spear and decides to make small talk.

"So, how's the arena for you so far?"

"Oh not bad, wish it was a little cooler though. By the way, my name is-,"

"Hey, don't move. There's a mosquito right on your chest, I'm gonna kill it," With that, Marvel plunges the big spear into the poor boy from 5's chest.

The boy drops dead and Marvel wonders "Wow, that's a lot of blood for a mosquito,"

_Meanwhile, on the other side of the cornucopia_

"Hey, I see a bow! This is my lucky day!" Katniss exclaims gleefully at the sight of a silver bow resting on the ground.

"No, Katniss. Don't take the bow, it's too far and the Careers will kill you before you even get to it!" A few plates away, Peeta shouts at Katniss.

"Oh yeah, forgot about them," giggle "Sorry!" Katniss waves and shouts back at Peeta.

**DONG!**

"Hell if I'm going in there, peace out y'all!" little Rue takes flight and rushes into the dense forest.

"Okay, I'll be heading into the woods for cover now, OOH! A striking orange backpack! That is soooooo to die for!" Katniss goes gaga at the sight of a designer brand, Cucci backpack.

As Katniss grabs one strap of the bag, another person grabs the other. It's the boy from 9.

"Um hey, It's mine so let go!" Katniss struggles with the bag.

"Nuh-uh, I saw it first. You let go!" Katniss is about to yank it when the boy spews blood from his mouth.

"Gurgle, Cough, Hack," The boy from 9 falls to the ground. And as he does, A figure approaches from the distance. It's Glimmer!

"OOOOH! Orange Cucci! That will go nicely with my heels," Glimmer gestures to her feet, which is covered by a pair of orange, platform heels. Cornucopias these days…

"Love to stay and chat but I gotta run!" Katniss slugs the backpack over her shoulders and flees the scene, leaving Glimmer in frustration.

_Meanwhile, on yet another side of the arena_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! HEEEELLP!" A girl with fox-like facial bones and deep red hair skids around the cornucopia in circles.

"Hold still you twit. You know you want this!" The boy from 4 chases after her, spear in one hand fish in the other.

After a few laps around the cornucopia, Foxface bumps into Peeta "Howdy, ma'am," and falls to the ground. Peeta rides off with his pony.

"Hahaha! Nowhere to run!" District 4 says with an evil grin. Thunder roars through the air to add more effect.

"No, no please! Don't kill me. I-I'll do anything you want! You can have my Barbie collection!" Foxface now on her back tries to inch backwards slowly.

"Wait what? Kill you? Oh no, you got me all wrong. I don't want to kill you; I want to share this fish with you. I don't really like fish which is odd since I'm from district 4 but since the rest of the pack left me I thought I'd share it-,"

No sooner did he say that, a gigantic hammer bashes his skull flat. His body flew 100 yards away, leaving the fish and spear behind.

"Are you hurt? Did he do anything to you?" In front of her, a massive fellow looming high above her offers his hand out. Although to her eyes, the world seems to stop and romantic music starts to play.

"I'm all right, thank you for saving me," Foxface seemed like a dwarf when she stood next to him.

"It's no problem, I'm Thresh," He smiles at her, revealing some gold teeth.

"That's a nice name; I could say it all day. Thresh, Thresh, Thresh, Trash," Foxface begins chanting Thresh's name again and again, her pupils all white, her body shaking.

"Thanks, let me guess your name. Hmm, really red hair and a face that resembles a fox slightly, your name is Foxface!" A light bulb appears behind Thresh's head.

"Oh my Gran Turismo 5! That is my name!" Foxface gasps then grabs both of Thresh's hands. "Are you like, psychic?"

"Heh, no. I'm just an ordinary guy. C'mon let's grab that fish and spear, they'll come in handy for sure," Thresh leads Foxface to where poor old 4 dropped his supplies and loots them and they run into the woods happily ever after. Or is it?

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

a/n: You know what? I'm gonna finish this. To the very end until the train ride back to 12. So from now on, this will be a parody of The Hunger Games, minus the beginning until the bloodbath. Too lazy for that. Random names given to nameless tributes.

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><p><em><strong>Day 1: noon - Somewhere in the forest<strong>_

_Whew, I can't believe I got away from the bloodbath, how bout that; A meek little boy from District 10 with a crippled foot managed to get away from the bloodthirsty Career pack. Oh yeah!_

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO HEAVY! I CAN'T CARRY YOU ANYMORE!" The shout came from below. "Anaya, c'mon. Put your back into it, otherwise the Careers are going to catch up with us," Anaya, who's an aspiring seamstress from District 8, grumbles and carries on carrying Dixon on her back. She's been carrying him since the bloodbath.

After hours of back-breaking labor, they come to a rest under a shady oak tree. Dixon slowly and carefully dismounts Anaya and Anaya instantly collapse to the floor. _Thud. _"OH SWEET SERENITY!" Dixon, irritated, smacked Anaya across the face. "Shut up! You're gonna give away our location, stupid bitch,"

Anaya looked stunned then wailed loudly. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I HATE YOU! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" No matter how hard Dixon tried to calm her down, no matter how many times he punched her, Anaya just won't shut up. In the end Dixon buried a hole in the ground and stuck his head in it. At this rate, they'd be dead by nightfall.

_**Meanwhile, in another part of the forest**_

_I'm just a little girl lost in the forest, I'm so scared and secretly wet myself, I can't figure it out, can't do this alone I know, I've got to find allies, and just enjoy the Games._

That was Rue's favorite song and she always sang it to herself whenever she was scared. It was originally sung by Capitol singer, Penka. Rue laughed every time she heard the name Penka, it was just weird yet cute. She began humming as she skips through the forest.

Little did she know, a pair of gleaming copper eyes stalks her every move. It follows her scent as it hides in the bushes. Rue skips and twirls and swings her hand-made basket around in a meadow of flowers. A strong gush of wind made Rue take out her red hoodie/cape/scarf and she drew it close around her face.

Suddenly, Rue hears a growl. Her eyes dart around frantically trying to find its source. The bushes in front of her shakes and out comes a big and bad-looking wolf. Rue was struck with fear and is too scared to move. The wolf slowly moved closer towards Rue, revealing its sinister fangs as it does.

"Oh man, why's I gotta get jumped by some wolf in the middle of these damned woods?" She looks around to find something she can use to defend herself. The wolf is now merely inches away from her. It circles around her eyeing its lunch- which isn't much, Rue's really scrawny- and is about to make his move when Rue grabs a nearby sharp stone and plunges it deep into the wolf's eye.

It howls in pain and staggers back. "Never mess with the Rue!" Rue pumps her little fist up in the air when the wolf pounces her and Rue falls back on her back. The wolf pins Rue down and sniffs her, growls and drools all over her and finally gives a loud howl before biting her head off. However Rue already wriggled out of it while it was busy prepping up and she stab the sharp stone into the wolf again and again until it is dead.

With bloodstained hands Rue stands still, speechless and at shock that she killed some living thing twice no, triple her size. After a moment of silence, she screams "OH YEAH! WHO'S YOUR MOMMA? HA? WHO?" and jumps around up and down in jubilation.

Rue ties her red hood/cape/scarf around the now dead wolf and drags it along with her. Wherever she's going, she doesn't have to worry about food.

_**Back at the cornucopia**_

"Whew! What. A. Workout." Cato wipes off sweat from his forehead after he dumps the final body in the edge of the woods away from the cornucopia.

"What? Hey, I did most of the work okay? You just stood there filing your nail with that dagger," Clove yells at Cato but he just ignores her. He's learnt it's better to just stay quiet because he will never win against his psycho girlfriend.

The cannon sounds eleven times, signaling all of the dead tributes, and a Capitol helicopter comes to collect the neatly arranged bodies courtesy of the Careers… and Cato. Marvel, Glimmer, Clove and Sushi simply sigh and shake their heads as Cato enthusiastically waves up and down at the helicopter, thinking that there are cameras in it.

"I love you mom! I love you dad! I love you District 1!" Cato shouts joyfully. "If you really love them, stop," Clove says harshly. Cato pouts at her and goes to a corner- which is impossible since there are no walls with angles to actually be a corner- and sulks like the little baby he is.

Sushi hears a nearby bush rustle and quickly gets everyone's attention. "There's something or someONE in there," Marvel readies his spear and Glimmer awkwardly draws her bow. Sushi and Clove decides to investigate it.

Before they even got close to the bush, Peeta jumps out. "Hey guys, wazzup?" Peeta says casually. "The ceiling, oh wait. There are no ceilings here, my bad," Marvel's face turns red. "Right, so how about letting me join you?" Peeta asks while running his hand through his hair, trying to look cool but ends up with a semi-afro.

"Hmm, I dunno. Whadya think Glimmer?" Clove looks at Glimmer who's apparently checking Peeta out. "Well, he is kinda cute," Glimmer giggles and Clove rolls her eyes. "Give me one reason I should let you join the pack and not kill you?" Clove tightens her grip around her dagger.

"I bake,"

And with that Glimmer, Sushi and the recently calmed-down Cato jump up and down with full enthusiasm. "Oh. My. Google! A hot guy who knows how to bake! You're like, the boy with bread! OMG, OMG, OMG!" Clove and Marvel exchange glances as if to say: _Are we the only sane people here?_

"So am I in or not?" Peeta taps his foot impatiently.

"Oh, we HAVE to let him in! PLZ, PLZ, PLZ, with a little nightlock berry on top!" The three morons pester Clove like three lost puppies and Clove has no choice but to let Peeta join the Career pack.

The three rabid puppies switch from surrounding Clove to worshipping Peeta.

"Marvel, what have we gotten ourselves into?" She turns to find Marvel but it seems he has also joined the group of what is now officially called, Team Peeta. Clove sighs and contemplates whether to kill them all or kill herself.

TBC...


End file.
